Dear David Blaine,
Gettin' excited about your appearance on "Oprah" today? It's gonna be crazy! Holding your breath for more than 16 minutes?! Wowzers. You're so tough. Really. I used to practice holding my breath in the bathtub all the time. It's totally hard. I saw that movie The Big Blue and decided to be a free diver and a marine biologist when I grew up. The bathtub became my Olympic pool training facility. I'd put my watch on the toilet, shove my Sea Babies and their flower sponge boats aside, and fully submerge myself as soon as the glove of the red Mickey hand hit the big number 12 on my Official Disneyland Timepiece. The key is to let little bubbles of air escape every 10 seconds or so. I'm sure you know this already. Anyway, my best time was 1 minute 58 seconds, and when I couldn't top that time, I knew that I probably didn't have a future in the world of free diving (or as the wife of Jean Marc Barr, mon amour). Luckily, I saw Young Guns II a few months later and decided that being an outlaw was much more suitable for my desert location...as was Balthazar Getty post-Lord of the Flies.
Anyway, good luck! So, um, when are you going to get back to the ol' abracadabra?
The levitating, crazy card tricks, and pulling your heart out of your chest stunts that used to freak me out way more than Cujo or Poltergeist ever did? What happened to the Street Magic, Dave? Did Leo take it away? Has Tobey stolen your bag o' tricks? I miss the old days when you just sauntered up to people in Central Park and blew their minds with your completely magical magic. I thought you might be some sort of prophet.
Do you remember that time we talked? You came up to me and asked to buy a pack of cigarettes or something, and I said sure and asked if you preferred Lights or Reds but I don't remember which one you chose or if they were even for you or not but anyway you looked RIGHT THROUGH ME. To my core. You bore your tiger slits through my cafe con leches and I felt like you were seeing something inside of me that until that moment had always been invisible. You were really sweet. Soft spoken. I just remember completely believing in you.
So, please, can you blow my mind today with this "stunt" or whatever and then go back to doing the Street Magic that made us all fall in love with you in the first place? Dude, you're awesome. I think you know this. I think you can hear me saying it to you right now from my mind to yours. Remember: let the breath out in little bubbles. And then I think you should fly out of the water with real angel wings sprouting out of your back before doing a few loopty loops around Oprah's audience anointing all of those lucky ladies below with your magic holy water.
White doves and bunnies,
A*
Clearly I need to learn magic tricks, and pronto...